Is my child a good candidate for therapy and/or social emotional peer groups?

Therapy and social-emotional groups are not just for children who are struggling with their social-emotional well being or who have a formal diagnosis. Therapy is beneficial for all children; it gives them access to a trusted adult, aside from their parents, to help support their exploration of themselves as they navigate the challenges and changes of growing up. Working with a therapist has the potential to be an incredibly positive experience, giving kids an edge by developing selfawareness, social-emotional skills, coping strategies, etc. Therapy provides children with a safe space that they can use to explore their feelings, thoughts and learn valuable life and relationship skills that will help them succeed throughout childhood and into adulthood, Peer groups provided an additional element to the therapeutic experience. They create a unique space for children to work with a qualified professional on social-emotional skill development, as well as, alongside their peers. This dynamic allows for real-time, at the moment, opportunities to practice and explore the skills and strategies with children their age. Parent coaching and family therapy are also essential elements of this process. Parents can benefit from additional support and by being taught effective parenting strategies to use at home. Family therapy can bring families closer together, address, and manage conflicts, while developing a deeper understanding of each family member throughout the process.

How do I tell my children they are going to therapy or asocial-emotional peer group?

This is a very common and appropriate question that parents ask when scheduling the first session for their children or signing up for a group. They might state concerns such as, "I don't want them to feel like something is wrong with them." While this is understandable, therapy is usually a lot more anxiety-producing for parents than it is for their children. Most children follow your lead, and if you normalize the experience, they will likely see the process as normal and not something negative.

How to start the conversation:

1. Talk to children about therapy or groups in a calm moment

Parents are often tempted to tell their child during/following an argument or crisis. However, if he/she is angry or upset, it may be hard for the child to process the information. Moreover, if the parent seems angry, the child may perceive therapy as a punishment and be more resistant to attending. Find a calm moment to talk about their session or group; more importantly, normalize working on social-emotional abilities. We always say you go to a tutor to learn how to succeed academically; you go to a coach to learn how to succeed at sports or dance, well social and emotional skills are also a skill we need to develop by going to see an expert.

2. Identify the issue or benefits of attending

In a simple and compassionate way, parents can tell their child that they notice he/she has been struggling and empathize with how hard it must be for him/her. If parents and/or another respected adult has had a similar struggle in the past, they might share it with the child. For example: “__________, we know that you have been having a lot of worries lately. Sometimes we feel worried too, and know it can be really difficult. Nobody likes to feel worried all the time.” You can also stress that seeking support is a sign of strength and health. To the extent that other family members will be involved in the therapy, you can stress that you/they are seeking support as well or if you are already seeing your own therapist highlight this for your children to normalize the process. We can also identify the issue in a different way, by saying something like “we don’t learn social or emotional skills at school, they are very important skills for everyone so we are going to learn them at Behaviour Matters individually/as a family /with other kids your age.” Talk about the benefits, how the skills will help them feel better or do better in life while getting them to visualize what that would look and feel like.

3. Explain therapy or social-emotional groups and the goals

Parents can tell their child in a developmentally-appropriate way that they have spoken with someone that can help. For a younger child, a parent might say something like: “Sometimes when children feel worried a lot of the time, it helps to go to someone whose job it is to help kids better understand their feelings and worries by playing and talking with them. We know someone named Ms. __________ who helps kids have fewer worries. We think she will help you have fewer worries, and also help us understand how we can help you have fewer worries.” If the therapist has a website, the parent might show the child a photo of the therapist and/or the therapy office. For older children/teens, the parent can say something like: “I notice that you have seemed really sad and are sleeping a lot lately. I think you should talk to a therapist about ways to better understand and manage your sadness. I have found someone named __________ that I think you will like. I made an appointment to see her on Wednesday afternoon.” If met with resistance, the parent might tell him/her that the expectation is that he/she will attend a few sessions, and then he/she can discuss with the parent their feelings about continuing. If therapy is non-negotiable due to circumstances such as severe depression or suicidal ideation, parents should emphasize that they love the child too much to see them continue in pain without any help. Parents might also validate that he/she knows it wasn’t the child’s idea and make sure that the child/teen understands that therapy is NOT a punishment, even if the teen has been exhibiting poor judgment/behaviour. If it is the family seeking therapy as a unit, the parent might say that they have made an appointment with a family therapist who will help everyone communicate with and understand each other better. It is also helpful to explain the structure of therapy, you will be there for about 50 minutes, you will play games, draw and chat and we will come in at the end to learn about your new skills and how we can also work on them with you”. If its group, it's 90 minutes with children your age, you will play games, do role plays, art, chat, have fun and make new friends.

4. Normalize therapy or social-emotional groups

Parents should not present therapy to their child/teen as a shameful or secretive experience. They should make it clear that they are not going to therapy to be “fixed” because they are not “broken.” Moreover, although parents should respect their child/teens confidentiality regarding seeing a therapist, it should be made clear that all people have challenges, and talking to a therapist in a safe space is helpful to many people- both children and adults. Parents can clarify that the child’s therapy can also be a place for parents and other grown-ups to understand the child/teen better in order to better meet their needs and be the best parents they can be. In terms of groups, labeling the group as an extra-curricular that teaches us important life skills is a great way to normalize the experience.

5. Check your stigmatizing ideas.

If conversations about therapy are shrouded in mystery and concern, kids are likely to perceive therapy as a remedy to address something that is wrong with them or a punishment for bad behaviour. Shying away from open conversations about counselling teaches kids that it is shameful and perpetuates a stigma about seeing a therapist. To combat the still-too-common idea that therapy is embarrassing, it is important to normalize talking with someone about difficulties. Referring to your own positive experiences with therapy, or how helpful it has been to someone you know, will have a significant impact on the acceptance your kids will feel about it. Validate any struggles your child may be experiencing and offer counselling as a helpful and educational activity. If you promote therapy as an opportunity for growth, your kids will see it that way, too. Remember to take part in parent coaching and immerse yourself in the therapeutic process which is a process that includes all of us, not just your child.

6. Present therapy as a new adventure.

Any activity is more successful if kids are on board and enthusiastic. Tell your kids how excited you are for their new adventure, and how lucky they are that they get to go talk and play with a special person every week or a new group of potential friends. Talk with their counsellor about whether it makes sense to join them in the therapy room for the first session or to let them get to know the therapist on their own. Kids love to have secrets, so let them know you are curious to know as much as they want to tell you about their time in therapy, but it’s OK if there are things they want to keep to themselves. If anything important or concerning comes up, your therapist will either bring it up directly with you or help your child talk about it with you. Present counselling as a unique opportunity for learning and fun, and your child will be eager to meet the therapist. If you have found the right fit, after the first session, they will be just fine to go back to see their new friend. Older kids might take a little longer to warm up to a counsellor. They may be suspicious about the therapist’s agenda and what information will be reported to you. If they are interested, you might consider including them in your therapist selection process, so they are involved in deciding whom they will see. If therapy is your idea, kids may be wary about the endeavour. Talk with them about your hopes for counselling. Encourage them to give it a chance and to be open with the counsellor about their apprehension. An effective therapist will address their concerns and work to create trust. Rapport building is an essential part of the counselling process, and may take time with adolescents. Once a therapeutic alliance is established, teens will begin to implement positive changes, exploring choices, working through challenges and finding more constructive ways of relating to the people in their lives. Chances are, if you think your kids could benefit from therapy, they probably will, once they feel comfortable sharing.

When should a parent tell the child that he/she is going to a therapist?

Some parents have their own anxiety about their child attending therapy or are simply anxious about their child’s reaction to going, because of this, they may be tempted to tell the child on the way to therapist’s office. This is counterproductive as children often need time to ask questions about therapy and express their feelings about going. While I advise parents to wait to tell younger children about going until 1 -2 days beforehand, especially if he/she is anxious, older children/teens benefit from knowing at least 5-7 days to allow time to process. Of course, if the child is asking for therapy, they should be told as soon as possible as they will likely feel relief to know that help is coming. Many parents find that, with the above guidelines, conversations with their child about starting therapy go better than they anticipate. If you stay calm, matter-of-fact, and empathic, your child‘s feelings will likely mirror yours. And, he/she might even feel a sense of relief that you made an appointment without him/her even having to ask you to do so!